 | About Me | Feb 15, 2006 |
To some, the knock on the nose might be considered to be a work of art.
It was grotesquely bent towards the right, with nostril slightly
pierced. The force, precision and the subsequent impact was so
damaging that
even a boxer smashing the nose with some purpose would not have
achieved
half of the result. In fact, a boxer would have settled for a resultant
blow such as this but Bludger's bully wasn't a boxer this time round,
but a door. Perhaps once the game was finished, Bludger could
exert his revenge by beating the door down with a bat, though it would
cost him a heavy fine from the stadium manager. Blood was freeflowing
out of Bludger's nose as if
it was being released from a free beer tab. Patches of blood were
spotted in the path leading towards the sick bay.
Bludger finally arrived at the sick bay. Little did he know that by
then he had already suffered from substantial amount of blood loss. As
he entered into the sick bay, Bludger was greeted by the welcoming
smile of
Anita Pitch, the nurse and his long time crush (since yesterday).
Bludger reciprocated with a cheesy smile, and limped towards the nurse
with both eyes fixed onto Anita's face. In doing so, Bludger neglected
to notice what was on the floor - a banana peel one step away from him
...
Match Live Gazette - Player Profile:
Name: Bludger
Position: Winger
Date of Birth: 29/2/1984
Height: 5' 2
Weight:
12st 5
1st team games: 99
1st team goals: 50
International caps: 0
International goals: 0
Former clubs: Neutray Bay Football Club for Kids, Yuss Tink FC, Hiss Mel FC
Birth Place:
Cootamundra, NSW
Captain of Neutral Bay Football Club for Kids and a product of the Yuss Tink Youth Academy, Bludger
captained Hiss Mel FC to their fifth Aussie Cup against Aiduu Schmel FC in Warrangatta.
Bludger is the driving force of the
team and when he is on the top of his game Hiss Mel FC more than usually
win (legitmately or not we cannot recall). He signed a four year
contract in the end of summer of 2006 and put an end to the speculation
about his career as a body wax consultant (part time job outside of
football).
Bludger had a superb personal 2003/04 season winning the Hiss Mel FC
supporters player of the year award, Light Binge Drinkers award, and Hiss Mel affirmative action award by
some distance. He also captained Australia in Afganistan during the
2004 Youth World Cup.
A boyhood Mighty Reds fan, Bludger is living the dream of playing for
his
team and is considered by many to be the complete midfield player / drinks boy / cleaner / body waxer. The
former Yuss Tink trainee has made incredible progress in such a short
space of time. Tough tackling and with disturbing body odour Bludger is
also capable of scoring spectacular goals. Indeed his strike against
Aice Schmel FC during the 2003/04 treble season was voted Hiss Mel's
best ever goal without bribery.
Bludger made his senior debut in November 2003 as a second half
substitute for Hugh Jass against Fully Siik FC. His full debut came in
the NUDE Cup against Ai Empoor United and despite the Yuss Mel losing on the
night, Bludger's outstanding performance belied his tender years.
He is an exciting talent, can
score and create goals, has pace in abundance, can beat defenders
for fun and possess an undying desire for Kebabs. Reds Boss Yoor Sunorfavich has certainly pulled off a coup to
bring him to Anfield.
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Match Live Gazette
Fans couldn't wait to see Reds new signing Bludger in a
red shirt but little did they know that Bludger has gone one better.
Bludger has pledged his loyalty to the fans by acquiring something red
for himself before the big game, a red nose that is! A report from the
physio has revealed that Bludger has picked up a slight injury to his
nose when he was miraculously collided with the entrance door before
the kick off.
Strange injuries are not unknown to Bludger, as he holds an impressive CV
of awkward inccidents over the course of his career such as slipping
off a banana peel which he threw, banging his head against a pipeline
and rolling off his bed onto the ground whilst in deep sleep. We hope
the nose injury is recoverable before Christmas, otherwise Rudorf might
face stiff competition for his position in the shopping mall come
December this year.
Bludger queued behind the rest of his team mates as both teams waited
for the stadium entrance door to open. Unable to contain his urge for
the first glimpse of the crowd, Bludger wrestled through his team mates
as he made his way to the front of the line, just inches away from the
door. He breathed heavily as he sensed the moment had come. The door
slightly opened and a thin ray of light was visible in the middle of
the two door frames. The roaring sound of estatic fans blastered
through the opening and Bludger was treated to a barrage of outcry.
Bludger moved his head forward to embrace more of the noise. The two
door frames suddenly opened inwards and met Bludger in the face! A
splash of fresh blood spilled out of Bludger's nose and before you
could blink, Bludger was left unconscious on the ground.
Bludger heard his name reverberated in his head. He opened his eyes but
to blurred images of what appeared to a voluptuous lady. Not believing
what was before his own very eyes, Bludger rubbed against his eyes as
he tried to snap out of the dizziness. "Bludger, are you ok?" yelled
the person who was shaking Bluger's body. Strange. That sounded too
masculine to be a lady. Bludger then finally regained his vision only
to find himself in the thick arms of the reserve team's coach.
"Bludger, you're a mess. The next time you want to get your nose
flattened, do it after the game. Now lets stop the nose bleed and get
you on the field asap", scolded the coach, as he escorted Bludger to
the sick bay.
By this time, the teams had already rolled out onto the field.
Habibs News (Brotherly Association of Reuters News)
Top Stories
On the night of European encounters, Mighty Reds welcomes a
roaring troop of Benfica who has stormed into town with a vehement
belief of an unprecedented upset. Whilst the European event is very
much an enticing affair, much of the talking point has been shifted
towards the new signing of the flamboyant Aussie winger, Bludger. Prior
to this much anticipated match, the Reds beat a host of clubs to snap
up a free transfer for the service of Bludger. Fans are zealous about
the prospect of a player of calibre such as Bludger, who is currently
valued at 500 Euros (the equivalent 30 beef buffets at Koya in Neutray
Bay). An overweight midget coupled by bulging fish eyes, bald but with
an array of facial hair, buck toothed and gorilla nosed, Bludger is
tipped to make his debut against Benfica. Fans are hoping that
Bludger's pace, agility and body odour would terrorise the opponents
defence, and ultimately help the Reds to turn their 1-0 first leg
deficit into european glory. Bludger is relishing the challenge and
voices that his preparation has been ideal. Part of Bludger's pre-match
preparation is to dine at a beef buffet.
Other News
A man has fled from Koya Beef Restaurant at Neutral Bay
few hours ago without paying after dining a buffet. Police is reported
to be looking for an overweight midget (male). Facial appearance
includes bulging fish eyes, bald but with an array of facial hair, buck
teeth, and a gorilla nose. Anyone with news is advised to notify the
police on the 1900 We're Not Corrupt hotline.
Playing against a foreign opponent is always tough, despite being
backed by waves of loyal fans (some of which might comprise of illegal
immigrants) on home soil. This occassion was no different. We must
breakdown their pulsating attack and pearce through sturdy defence.
Yes, we can do it, thought Bludger, who sat solemnly in the changing
room - the ladies changing room. He gripped his hands tightly in
immense belief, but he felt a tab on this shoulder. "Excuse me, but
you're in the wrong changing room. The men's is down the hall way. And
please put some clothes on", hinted the head coach of the girls team.
The big game had distorted Bludger's concentration.
As Bludger returned to his seat in the men's room, he checked his gears
and status. Drink bottle, checked. Boots, checked. Cigars, why would
that be necesary? Ok, still checked. He was adequately prepared. He was
fit - fit enough to outrun a 5 year old kid in a 100 metre race but no
more than that). His socks were brand new, though strangely an
unmatched pair. He's acquired a sleeky new hair do, well, fully shaven
to be in fact. He was clothed in a bright blood red club shirt
with a chalky 10 written on the back. He glazed up at one corner of the
room with a smirk, picturing his magnificent stance with this famous
number 10 shirt (number 10 shirt is worn by the best player in each
club) in front of all the fanatical female fans. Then a familiar voice
echoed into Bludger's consciousness. "Alright men! lets go and take
them down!.... and Bludger, give me back that number 10 shirt!" yelled
the captain.
Filled with a surging adrenaline rush, Bludger leaped out of his seat
before hitting his head against a pipeline, and slapped on his number
99 shirt that he forgot to wash after yesterday's training. He followed
his team mates and headed for the stadium entrance...
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